Tuesday, September 21, 2010

14 weeks: unwrapped

For most of the 14 weeks I've been pregnant, I've worried.

I'm 38 and have wanted this child for a lifetime.

In the beginning my heart would go out of control with panic at the thought of losing our child. I'd breathe deep in attempt to resize the reality of my emotions and re-orient myself to what was true.

Or I would freeze with fear. And breathing was out of the question.

I couldn't stop thinking about it, losing our baby. I couldn't make the thoughts not come.
I'd dream I was bleeding.
I was so afraid and I'd cry and beg that everything be okay.

And for 14 weeks it has been.
But I still lie anxious in my bed at night.

Until I considered this sonogram.

Look at him ~ or her.
At rest, thumb in mouth.
No worries no cares no anxieties.
Complete peace.
In my womb.

And this little one's silent message unwrapped for me:

Be still. Because there's nothing you can do.

Let go.

And so, in order to receive this gift, I must open my hands and not hold on so tightly.

It's fear that makes me squeeze shut my fists~ not love.

It's being in control and thinking I have power that make me hold on to what I want~ not love.

So this little one whispers~ if you want to receive me, all of me, you'll have to open your hands. Closed fists can't receive anything.

And I feel that this is what he ~ or she ~ will always be telling me. That from the moment it was conceived, this baby wasn't really mine, or ours. We can care for it, provide for it, love it ~ but if I really want to receive this gift, I'll always be letting go.

From the moment he gobbles his first gulp of earth air.

And takes her first shakey steps. Away from us.

We are, I am, always letting go ~ so we can receive this gift, wrapped or unwrapped.

Me, at 14 weeks.

Many of the thoughts here are borrowed from Henri Nouwen's With Open Hands...a must read.

I'm linking up with Chatting at the Sky and Tuesday's Unwrapped....
tuesdays unwrapped at cats


jo said...

u are the cutest mama ever!!!!!! please know your lil one if coveted in prayer!!!! :) We love u!!!!

JamieB said...

So amazing, April.
You said it right when you said you'll be learning to let go his/her whole life. and it's not always going to be as hard as this time in your life. and it's not always going to be as easy as some transitions are. (like going from a HUGE diaper bag, to a small purse again!)
but even in the diaper bag to small purse, you are letting go of the things you used to need for your baby.
I've prayed for peace for you throughout this pregnancy. And I'll continue to do so. Cause we believe in the power of prayer. and after this, you'll believe even more.
Love you

C.C. and Double T said...

Truly, amazing! I am so happy for you! You give me that one little bit of hope that continues to elude me most of the time. You are right. There is nothing you can do to control your circumstances, so just open your hands and leave it with Him.


angela said...

thank you. i needed this today. beautiful meditation and you are looking radiant!

Jeff and Aimee said...

Oh, April, thanks for sharing your genuine, beautiful heart with us. You and Baby look fabulous!

deb said...

oh , prayers and blessing to you in this.
Love Henri Nouwen.

and you are adorable.

( and I'm not just saying that because I have red hair. :))

kate said...

Pregnancy is a crucible, to prepare you for the crucible of motherhood. I remember when I was pregnant with my first, after 3 years of trying, I was terrified that we'd lose the baby. That reaction has been less for my other two, but it never goes away altogether. Letting go is spiritual exercise that never lets up.

emily freeman said...

This is lovely - and the anxiety will continue forever if you let it. Choosing to be led by love rather than driven by fear is at the top of my list everyday. It is hard to remember to be still, but this is the only choice of freedom.

Great post. And sweet, sweet baby.

katherine anne said...

This was so beautiful, April. You are truly in my prayers. All my love.

Callie Nicole said...

Wonderful post, and this is a good reminder for me too.
How sweet that the baby was sucking it's thumb! Adorable!

Jennifer said...

I love reading your posts! You look adorable with your pregnant belly popping out! I hope that your nausea has gone away. Enjoy this special time being pregnant. It's such a miracle!

SY said...

This very personal, thanks for sharing... You have a wise child in your tummy, Imagine what he/she will be like when they can whisper it directly into your ear.. Happy thoughts.

Very cute mommy

colvert said...

Your strength and courage gives me so much hope. Thank you for sharing this. Best wishes and love to you!

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