I asked God today which language I should use when I pray. Because I’m not sure anymore what words to employ when I talk to Him (or to anyone for that matter). I don’t even really remember the jargon I used to exploit fluently.
I’m learning the language of a new county, new to me at least. I’m learning the nuances of a new culture and the way they communicate without using words; the tilt of a head, the sweeping of a hand, the click of a tongue, the wag of a finger.
I’m learning the language of my husband, my new husband, the new husband who is from the new country with its foreign tongue and culture. And this new language of the new husband, it’s not just the language of his country I’m seeking to know, but the ‘lingua franca’ he operates in, the way he does things, the way he understands things.
I’m learning, we’re learning, the dialect of our marriage; how to work together, how to communicate, and how to be a family.
Then there’s my old language- the vernacular I spoke in for 36 years- the one of the single woman whose thoughts were only her own, desires hidden and even sacrificed.
Now, nothing much is hidden.
I live in a land where I don’t speak the language very well. I feel ignorant and vulnerable every day.
I live in a new marriage where my independence and selfishness are exposed.
I live in a space caught between and in all I’ve ever hoped for and all I want and desire for the future.
What language is spoken here, besides the one that’s tied around my neck and reads: fluent in complete disclosure?
Do You understand this particular dialect? I ask Him. If You do, would you mind schooling me in the Rosetta Stone version of fluency?
But I know, His language isn’t found in any easy to learn computer program.
His speech is the one found in my next breath, the presence I feel when I hold a little girl’s hand, the ache of my heart when it feels as if it can’t hold any more of the goodness or the pain.
And these are the words I want to live and breathe and speak and love in this place.
And that is what I’m learning.