Wednesday, April 01, 2009

On Getting Married...

As most of you know, this Saturday Bela and I are having a civil ceremony here in Romania. We are hoping that this will enable him to obtain a tourist visa into the U.S. where we can have covenant ceremony on June 21. We should know next week whether in fact he has a visa or not. Would love your prayers to this end...

And so, as I contemplate my last days of singleness, I've been remembering the time that led up to this time. I've been single a long time and in many ways I never thought I'd marry; I hoped I would, but I didn't think I would.

Last year God was doing so much in my heart and life and now I recognize how He was leading me to this place called marriage. I wanted to share some of that journey here by sharing a journal entry I wrote last July.

Before you read, I know that many of you are single or perhaps you aren't single, but don't want to become a parent. I just want to qualify that this is what God was doing in my heart, in preparing me. I know not everyone is called to marriage or parenthood, and that's okay. Please don't hear that I believe otherwise in my words.

"Not sure when, but yesterday or the day before as I lay praying before I fell asleep, it came to me that amidst all that God is doing in me and all I've been repenting of and just seeing and learning and realizing- I realized that something is missing. And it isn't God- He's here and I'm trying to be with Him and trust Him in new ways, although it's hard. I so easily want to return to old patterns. But knowing that what I have in Him is unlike anything else and knowing I want Him more than anything, something is still missing. I feel it. When I see a new baby, I feel it. When I witness a relationship between a man and a woman, I feel it. When I look at a kid and wish he was mine, I feel it. Part of me is missing.

"I've been thinking about who I am and what I'm good at, and I know not only that I'd be good, but that I'm gifted to be a wife and mom. It's in me so naturally. And in being a gifting I believe it's part of my calling.

"I used to want to marry and have a family for reasons like fitting in or being accepted or so others would think better of me.

"And it's not about that any more, it's about what I want to BE, because of who I am.

"I want to be a wife and mom because I want to serve, I want to give my life away because I believe those are my gifitngs, they are my calling. And, they are my desire.

"And I don't know what to do with it. Just lay it out before God. Because I trust Him, I do. And not quickly run to what could be a possible solution. Which I so want to do. Instead, just sit and be in that missing with Him, allowing Him to enter it, to even find worship there in that place, where something is missing. And I sit and wait for Him- knowing that in His movement whether or whatever it is, it will be His delight. Whish is also a new thought for me. That it would be His delight to bring me together with another. He would delight in it. I've always thought I had to work so hard for it- be more open, more vulnerable, flirty, etc. Instead of just resting and being and letting Him delight in the work He is doing.

"And I've been finding myself in this place of being okay with just having a life. No illusions of grandeur, of amazing books I'll write or fields I'll open or words I'll speak as I preach to a congregations. Give me the simple holy gift of my calling, of being a wife and a mom, this is what I really want. I'm tired of everthing else.

"I was just reading an old entry- something I wrote about coming to Romania, that if I didn't come it felt like I'd be missing something. Something I'd miss for the rest of my life. It was good to read this and remember. It is also interesting that it or they are the same words I used to describe where I find myself-like something is missing.

"Maybe on this journey we find what is missing- and maybe we don't. Maybe we just believe that in serving Him, the One who is never missing, in loving Him, the One who is sovereign and kind, we can hold what is missing and we can be held by Him- even while we let Him- and still find worship. Still find that it all somehow holds together.

"And missing is different than wanting. I still want what I miss, but we don't miss what we want, do we? I sure miss wanting________. We miss something because there's a place for it that isn't filled. And we want to fill that place, but we don't miss the empty place when it's gone.

"All that to say, it's not only about wanting a husband and family, it's about missing not having them. There is this place in me empty without them. And I believe that is connected to calling. If we aren't doing what we are called and gifted to do, then there will always be something missing in us. So, if I am called to serve here and I don't, something would be missing. If I'm called to marry and morther and I don't, something will be missing.

"But, I dont' love the call more than the One whom the call is meant to serve and glorify. And one calling is not more holy or important than another- wanting to be a wife or mom is not lesser than wantig to come to Romania and serve- if they are both a calling, they hold the same weight.

"I'm called to Romania and all that means, for love of Christ. I should be called to marriage and family for the same love, for love of my King.

"I really never knew it could be this way, that it could be God and marriage. I always thought it was one or the other. What it came down to was that I couldn't love the fantasy of marriage more than I loved God; that's idolatry (worshiping something/someone other than God). I didn't know I could love God by marrying. But if this is my calling then of course it would be loving Him! And serving Him! And of course it would feel as if I were missing something."


Jeff and Aimee said...

Thanks for this glimpse into your wise and beautiful heart, April.

JamieB said...

ohhh april - thank you for this! for what you are learning/learned and in this i am reminded of what the title of your blog is - learning.

jo said...

beautiful sister

Jeff and Aimee said...

P.S. Good luck keeping your hands off each other after tomorrow and before your church wedding! Hee hee hee.

Mel (AKA Dad, Grampa) said...

I woke up this morning (Saturday) feeling sentimental about not being there with you for the civil ceremony. Hindsight, I know. Hopefully June will heal my sentiment.
Wish I had your maturity when we got married. But then.... you might not be here.

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