too hot..or is that just an excuse?

Portland has had record breaking heat...and I'm trying to live simply by not purchasing an air conditioning unit. Maybe if I was staying around I would, but maybe I wouldn't.

Here's the thing, it's just so hot that I'm not sleeping well and exhausted. Exhausted from maybe more than the heat...from so much that is crowding my soul. Like packing up my life...and selling it to the highest bidder. Anticipating a move half-way around the world and living with people I still haven't met...and hoping that it is a place I'll stay for the rest of my life. Knowing that trips back to the U.S. will be short, intense trips and that relationships I have here will never be the same again. Old friends will make new friends, neices and nephews will grow up. I'm not second guessing any decisions or commitments...just recognizing the reality of them.

I'm tired and I'll be talking and in the middle of a sentence completely forget my next word. I forgot a meeting I was supposed to go to. I spaced my friend's last name the other night. And just now, I was going to write something else, but now it's gone.

Last night, I fell out of my bed. I have a queen size bed that I share with no one...and I fell out of the side where I don't usually sleep. I just suddenly woke up because I smacked my forehead on the wood floor. I have a scrape on my right knee (it's small, but still stings). I don't remember what my dream was, but I know that I was running and I think that I ran right off the side of my bed. But I was still lying down, so running sideways. And yelling. I'd like to say it's the heat making me do weird things in my sleep (although I have a small history of sleep talking and walking), but is that an excuse? Maybe I'm running in my sleep because I don't know when else to run, or where. Or maybe it's just the heat.