Friday, August 11, 2006

Time Spent

This week was big for me.
I learned how to post a blog.
I bought my first ebay item!
I received a new cell phone in the mail with bluetooth capability...whatever that is. (Learning about it would require reading an owner's manual...which I have never been very good at doing. If I can't figure it out by either looking at it or breezing through the directions, it's probably too complicated for anyone's good.)

I better be careful, next thing you know I'll own an ipod and be downloading music.

It's not that I don't like's great. It's just that sometimes, I'm really not interested and I'd rather spend my time slipping a cd into a player rather than spending hours downloading a bunch of songs onto a computer chip. I'd rather be eating chips. Not to mention the thousand of hours it would take me to actually learn how to download music, because I'd probably have to read a manual. Don't get me wrong, I love ipods; they're so handy. But if I bought one, I think I'd hand it off to someone to put music on it.

This has been a big month for me. Exactly one month ago today I started working at Catholic Charities Oregon as the senior case manager for victims of human trafficking. For the last 30 days or so, I've been immersed in learning legal terminology, how to deal with grants, and sitting with people whose entire lives have been broken. I also spent a good amount of time frantically searching craigslist for a place to live, scouting out open houses, feeling very predatory.

This month, I have not spent much time sleeping. Nor have I spent much time in communication with friends. I've not written a word....well, in an organized way, that is, towards a publishing end, since before I moved.

And now I sit, considering time, and how it passes so quickly. In the last year, I have lived with 4 different families: the Herreros, the Reids, my parents, and now my sister's family. In between, I had my own place. Next week I will move into my own little apartment again. I have worked 2 major jobs, as well as just readjusting to life after being in Calcutta.

I think I am reeling. Technology, new places, new jobs, and me, trying to hold it all together.

At 3a.m. last night, or early this morning, I woke up, which has become a sort of normal occurance for me. I wake up, use the bathroom, and lay in bed for almost 2 hours before I finally fall asleep again. But last night, it was different. I still woke up, but as I was trying to sleep, trying to make myself fall asleep, I realized I can't hold it all together. Time will pass, techonology will change, and I may even be forced to learn how to download music or learn about bluetooth capabilities, but, no matter how hard I try, I won't ever be able to make myself fall asleep. No matter how hard I try, a slice of my life exists that I can't learn to overcome. Not even by reading a manual.

And so, I prayed, because I was humbled. I was humbled to think that this woman, who is so fragile and tries so desperately to keep herself from falling to pieces, is woken in the middle of the night, when she is finally silent and vulnerable, to talk with God.

So, we talked. Mostly I lay before Him what is heavy on my heart, these people I work with whose courage and determination daily humble me. I lay before Him the longings of my heart, which also remind me how I humbly walk before a God who ordains each moment of my life, time spent that I can be anxious about, or in which I can find rest.

I fell asleep, almost begrudgingly because I knew what I was experiencing was sweet. But the rest I experienced was also sweet. I woke to a day spent sorting through immigration visas, police reports, and brothel raids. I woke wondering why it is I who finds myself in this place, at this time, where I never thought I would be. He does more than I can imagine...which may include learning about bluetooth technology.


JamieB said...

can't wait to tell John Shumate about this posting... he loves his ipod! He was one of those who said, I don't think I'll like it. Famous last words

angela said...

thanks for sharing. insomnia does interesting things, doesn't it? thanks for articulating your realizations that he is keeping & guiding you. it reminds me as well...i'm convinced it's these sleepless nights and (mis?)adventures along the way, not the "arrival" moments, that really matter.

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